TEACHER: IF I GAVE YOU 2 CATS, AND ANOTHER 2 CATS AND ANOTHER 2, how many will you have?
[color=red]Johnny: Seven Sir [/color]
[color=red]Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
[B]another 2, how many will you have? [/B]
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and
[B]another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? [/B]
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
[B]how many will you have? [/B]
Johnny: Seven!!!
Very angry Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I already have a f**kin cat at home!!! [/color]
Funny Stuff
[color=red]Medical distinction between Guts and Balls[/color][color=red]There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
[/color][color=#80081a]GUTS -[color=black][font=Arial][color=red]Is arriving home[/color][/font][/color][/color][color=black][color=red]late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, [color=black][font=Arial] [color=red]and[/color] having the Guts[/color] to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'[/font][/color][/color][color=#7d0819]BALLS-[color=red] Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'[/color][/color][color=red]I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
[/color][color=red]Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome: Both result in death.[/color]
[/color][color=#80081a]GUTS -[color=black][font=Arial][color=red]Is arriving home[/color][/font][/color][/color][color=black][color=red]late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, [color=black][font=Arial] [color=red]and[/color] having the Guts[/color] to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'[/font][/color][/color][color=#7d0819]BALLS-[color=red] Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'[/color][/color][color=red]I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
[/color][color=red]Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome: Both result in death.[/color]
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bit of a read, but this is all tut:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees
"20<cut off="">"</cut>
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chickenwafer
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speedjunkie
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movovr wrote:Not exactly a "guide to pooping at the office" BUT, I've always been intrigued by the "Great Houdini" poop.
You know the one. You let loose a substantial poop only to turn and look in the pot and discover there is absolutely nothing there??...behold, the Houdini poop.
This is also known as the ghost poopie.
2015 Ironman Silver Veloster Turbo - Bone stock and staying that way
1990 Crystal White Miata - Beater - Bignose 1.6L Swap, Robbins Top w/Glass Window, E-Codes, Air Horns, Brembo Rotors
Former Rides:
2011 Kona Blue Mustang GT 5.0
2009 True Red Mazdaspeed3 GT
2005 Flame Red SRT-4
1990 Crystal White Miata - Beater - Bignose 1.6L Swap, Robbins Top w/Glass Window, E-Codes, Air Horns, Brembo Rotors
Former Rides:
2011 Kona Blue Mustang GT 5.0
2009 True Red Mazdaspeed3 GT
2005 Flame Red SRT-4
^^ Hahahaha, people at work are looking at me funny now because I was cracking up at that video.
2015 Ironman Silver Veloster Turbo - Bone stock and staying that way
1990 Crystal White Miata - Beater - Bignose 1.6L Swap, Robbins Top w/Glass Window, E-Codes, Air Horns, Brembo Rotors
Former Rides:
2011 Kona Blue Mustang GT 5.0
2009 True Red Mazdaspeed3 GT
2005 Flame Red SRT-4
1990 Crystal White Miata - Beater - Bignose 1.6L Swap, Robbins Top w/Glass Window, E-Codes, Air Horns, Brembo Rotors
Former Rides:
2011 Kona Blue Mustang GT 5.0
2009 True Red Mazdaspeed3 GT
2005 Flame Red SRT-4
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